Invite your enemy...

Resolve conflicts through dialogue when there’s an opportunity for a proper conversation. In the 2012 video, I describe three experiences where meeting helped more than counterattacking.

Resolve conflicts through dialogue: A conversation with a coffee chain

I’d criticised a coffee chain I otherwise liked visiting. I felt something was missing from the experience and had said so in a video.

They contacted me, and an employee came over for a conversation. He explained their perspective, and we quickly let our guards down.

I discovered something I’d misunderstood, and we discussed ideas including giving staff more recognition. Afterwards, I understood the business better.

A child was invited home

One of my children had had a bad experience with another child at school. We spoke to the parents and agreed the child could come to our home to play.

They had a good day together, and I felt the relationship improved a lot. That was the particular experience in our family I used as an example.

A difficult forum user came for coffee

At Amino, we also had a user who caused lots of trouble. I invited him for coffee, and we had a long, good conversation.

I learned more about why he was frustrated. He gained a better understanding of what we were trying to do with Amino. It didn’t solve everything, but I felt it solved most of it.

Try to understand before hitting back

The easiest thing can be to get angry and strike back. My point was to consider whether meeting could give you a different view of each other.

Those are three of my own experiences, not a guarantee for every conflict. But in those situations, conversation achieved something attacking back hadn’t.

Resolve conflicts through dialogue: Three experiences in fourteen days

I’d had a short break from making videos because the car had been at the garage and I’d been without my phone holder. When I returned, I thought of three small events from the past fourteen days. Resolving conflicts through dialogue was the common theme: In all three cases, meeting helped more than counterattacking.

As an entrepreneur, you experience conflicts, but we do in families and elsewhere too. I thought the three examples showed a clever, positive way to handle them.

Baresso got in touch after my criticism

In my previous video, I’d been disappointed with Baresso. I still thought it was a bloody good concept and actually visited three, four or five times a week. I wasn’t trying to be angry with them. I just missed that last part of the visit that gave me the proper Starbucks experience.

Baresso contacted me, and a really nice man came out for a conversation. We’d met the day before. He explained things from their perspective. I imagined they’d also thought: Martin has an audience, and it’s no good him going around speaking badly of us. Let’s show him we’re nice.

What interested me was that we quickly let our guards down and had a bloody good chat. I offered ideas for giving staff more recognition. I thought of the difference between my American experiences, where customers readily complimented someone’s hair or a new jumper, and Danish queues that seemed grumpier to me. Being pleasant yourself can be hard if those on the other side of the counter seem grumpy.

During the conversation, I also discovered I’d misunderstood something. At the same time, there were things they could improve. Baresso got some ideas, and I gained a better understanding. Afterwards, there I was speaking nicely about them in this video. Smart, I thought.

I joked that I’m bloody expensive as a consultant, but these ideas cost them nothing. I even provided the coffee. Nespresso, which he thought tasted good.

We invited the child home instead of escalating

One of my children had had an experience with another child at school who hit others. My child was really upset. We spoke to the parents and said things weren’t going so well between the children. Could we invite their child home?

We could. The children had a really good day playing, and afterwards I felt the problem was solved. They’d become firm friends and treated each other kindly and properly. It also turned out the other child was having a difficult time.

We could have got incredibly worked up and escalated the trouble in the class. In this particular situation, getting the children to meet in a different way helped instead.

A difficult Amino user came for coffee

At Amino, we occasionally have people causing trouble. One user had caused a great deal, and I invited him for coffee. He actually came, and we spent two and a half pleasant hours discussing the state of the world.

I gained an understanding of why he was frustrated and perhaps under pressure. He got a better picture of us trying to run a business, help lots of entrepreneurs and make money. It didn’t solve everything, but I thought it solved most of it. I also became more tolerant because I’d learned about his situation.

We could have used more technical weapons, blocked IP addresses and done other things to keep him away. But the times we’d tried that sort of thing hadn’t produced the result we wanted. Conversation could do something different.

How can I meet this person?

Baresso could have ignored me or defended itself on social media. We could have escalated the school conflict, and I could have hit back on Amino with more blocks. When you get annoyed or feel wronged, it’s easy to think: How do I get revenge? How do I attack back?

My suggestion was to ask a different question: How can I meet this person? It might be a family member, a difficult customer or someone you think is harming your business. Perhaps a cup of coffee can give both sides an understanding they don’t get from arguing at a distance. Also read Min vej som leder about my experiences with people and cooperation in a business.

In my three experiences, something more emerged behind the conflict. The child had something difficult to deal with. I’d misunderstood something about Baresso, and they took ideas home. The Amino user was frustrated, and we understood each other better. So I wanted to try solving problems positively. Dialogue had helped me. I hadn’t yet seen war solve very much.

Also read about seeing things from the other person’s perspective.

Best wishes, Martin. PS: In an earlier interview, Kai described running a hotel on an island in Australia surrounded by crocodiles. The original interview page cannot be opened.