See things from the other side

See the other person’s side before replying to an email that annoys you. In this video from 2010, I talk about being in contact with many different people and getting better at understanding their reactions.

See the other person’s side, even when you disagree

I’d spent a few days answering emails while we were ill at home. It struck me again how differently people can see the same situation.

I used to be quicker to read something as an insult and fire back. But that could lead to more trouble, more work and a worse relationship.

Now I was more often trying to ask myself what might be behind it. Was the person under pressure? Had they misunderstood something? Was there an explanation other than the one I saw first?

A pause can lead to a better reply

I know what it’s like to be short with people when I’ve got a lot on my plate. Remembering that can make it easier to read someone else’s message with a little more patience.

That doesn’t mean you have to accept everything. I also say in the video that you don’t have to work with someone you can’t or don’t want to work with.

But you can take a deep breath and try to reply calmly. Perhaps a misunderstanding can be cleared up, or the working relationship can be ended properly. Also read Min vej som leder about my experiences of people and working together in companies.

Choose your battles

I also talk about lots of unreasonable emails I chose not to react to. My experience was that an aggressive reply sometimes just brought more of the same.

My point was to put your energy into a useful reply rather than automatically hitting back. That doesn’t mean abandoning your own view. It means trying to understand the situation before choosing what to do.

Three days playing nurse with emails in my inbox

You haven’t heard from me for a few days because I’ve had a cold. My wife has been ill too, and she’s been a little worse than me. So I’ve spent three days running around playing nurse while being ill myself and answering emails. It’s been a bit hectic, but that’s life.

I’m involved in lots of projects and help many different people. Answering so many emails reminds me how incredibly different people are. Of course I know that, but I don’t always stop to think about just how different our perspectives can be.

I’ve got better at asking about motives

I used to see things much more from my own side. Of course, I still do. But as I’ve got older and more mature, I more often try, when I have the capacity, to put myself in the other person’s shoes.

What’s their motive for doing what they do? That question can change things.

My wife sometimes sees emails I receive and says: Are you kidding? I’d go mad. Who the hell do they think they are? I can tell her she’s absolutely right. It can be completely unreasonable. But life’s too short to fight every battle.

Often, they’re actually good people who mean well. They’ve just misunderstood something and only see the situation from their own perspective.

Taking offence or taking a deep breath

I can choose to see it all from my side. Then I can take lots of things as insults, stupidity and pettiness, fall out with people and get into all sorts of trouble. The result is more work, more resistance and more enemies.

Or I can say: Okay, I’ll have to be the grown-up. I’ll be the one to take a deep breath and look at what’s happening.

It might be someone who signed up for a newsletter but suddenly thinks it’s outrageous to have to click the unsubscribe link at the bottom. Perhaps they can’t be bothered to make that effort.

It might be someone I work with who sees the issue from a completely different side. Or a friend wanting to borrow money again, cheerfully forgetting that last time it took seven years to get it back. You can encounter all sorts of odd things.

Keeping your cool doesn’t mean giving up on yourself

Taking a deep breath isn’t the same as compromising who you are. Of course you should do the things you want to do. And you don’t necessarily have to work with people who irritate you or whom you don’t like.

But try to keep your cool and ask: What situation is this person in? Are they under pressure? What am I like when I’m under pressure?

I can be a bit short with people too. Perhaps that’s exactly what the other person is going through right now. If I reply in a relaxed, calm way, something good may come of it: Shall we take another look at this? I understand you’re under a bit of pressure.

The woman who sent me 15 emails a day

In the video, I talk about a woman who keeps sending me crazy emails. Around 15 a day, with things about Obama, the FBI, Uri Geller and all sorts of other stuff.

Sometimes she’s very friendly. Then she suddenly starts sending emails saying I’ve promised her a Mac. I’ve never replied to her emails and haven’t made that promise. I see her as a poor person who’s struggling.

In the past, I might have become aggressive, especially at the beginning when she could express herself coherently. I might have written back telling her to stop all that.

But what would I gain? Perhaps she’d write even more and start calling too. I’ve experienced that sort of thing developing that way before.

At this point, I let her vent her anger at the world without reacting. I get the emails, but nothing more happens. For me, that works better than turning it into a conflict.

A useful reply or a proper ending

When you receive an email you find ungrateful or unreasonable, or that simply gets on your nerves, take a very deep breath. Ask yourself who the person is, how old they are and what situation they’re in.

Try to see the issue through their eyes. Perhaps you’ll begin to understand the reaction, even though you’d have handled it completely differently. Perhaps they don’t have the emotional capacity, insight or skills to communicate properly right now.

That can help you write a useful, sensible reply. Perhaps the working relationship needs to end, but then it can end well. Perhaps it can continue because you now understand what initially seemed so strange.

I still have a cold and can ramble a bit, but it’s something I’ve been sitting here thinking about. Lots of people sometimes think I’m too forgiving and put up with too much. On the other hand, I often think things work out extremely well for me in the end.

I can either end the working relationship or find a way forward without it all turning into a fight. Have a good weekend, and I hope to be feeling better next week.

Best wishes, Martin