That's why they're angry...

When others react to your success, perhaps it has to do with their own situation. That’s the thought I explore in this 2011 video after wondering about different people’s reactions during my run.

When others react to your success: One possible explanation

I’d noticed some people greeted me more warmly than others. I could only guess why, and it led me to think about what happens when we compare ourselves with one another.

Seeing someone else do something you want to do can remind you of something you miss. Perhaps you’d wanted a different job, a family or to have progressed further with an idea.

That was my interpretation. I couldn’t know what the people I met actually thought or why they reacted as they did.

I’d experienced it at dinner too

I describe dinner parties where I felt someone was unpleasant towards me. Previously, I might have wanted to reply in the same tone.

But if I instead thought the person might be upset about something in their own life, it became easier not to take the reaction as an attack I had to return.

We can use comparison differently. Some feel inspired to try themselves. Others may feel bad about what they believe they haven’t achieved. That’s a thought about a possible mechanism, not an explanation for everyone’s anger. Also read Skab din egen succes about finding your own path instead of measuring your life against others’.

You don’t have to enter the conflict

My advice was to try to understand that a sharp reaction might have a different background from what you first assume. You can let the remark pass and talk to someone else.

That doesn’t make every reaction reasonable. But for me, that thought could make avoiding another unpleasant discussion easier.

When others react to your success: Thoughts from the run

I’m sitting here sweaty after another run, throwing myself in front of the screen before showering. Don’t worry, I’m not angry this time. I get the feeling some people find it fun when I go mad, but I really don’t do it that often.

I think incredibly well when I run. If you can, try running a few kilometres three or four times a week. For me, thoughts really flow freely. On the run, I thought about something I’d wondered about: People running seemed friendlier in return than people walking.

I could only guess at the cause. Some people are simply out for a pleasant walk, of course. But perhaps others walk even though they’d actually like to run. Then seeing me running past could become a little reminder of what they think they should be doing.

I don’t believe for a moment that the Law of Jante explains everything. But seeing someone do what you want to do can be uncomfortable. Perhaps you don’t get yourself going. Perhaps you have bad legs or a disability and can’t do it at all. Those are different situations, but meeting someone else can make your own problems loom larger.

An old school reunion can become an unpleasant comparison

Think of a school reunion where people meet after 20 years. My rather blunt thought was that successful people turn up, while those who don’t feel they’ve got anywhere are less keen. That’s my interpretation of the mechanism, not something I’ve researched.

If you’re stuck in a boring job you dislike or didn’t start the family you wanted, meeting people who seem to have everything can be hard. Their success can make you feel incredibly bad about yourself. That’s not much fun.

Some use that encounter as fuel: "Fuck it, I can do it too!" I think they’re the minority. Others try to avoid the situation. And when they end up in it anyway, discomfort can turn into anger.

So when someone reacts as though they begrudge your success, my thought is that perhaps it’s about something else. Without meaning to, you may have shown them something they see as their own failure: We’re the same age, the same sex and started in the same place. You’re successful, and I’m not.

It isn’t necessarily pleasant to admit to yourself that perhaps you’ve been lazy or not as capable. Of course you might also have been unlucky. That certainly happens. But the comparison can hurt whatever the explanation.

I’ve experienced nastiness at dinner myself

If you’re an entrepreneur or want to be one, you probably have some drive. Perhaps you were the one leading group work at school. And if you succeed, you’ll also meet people who react strangely to it.

I’ve been at dinner parties where people became nasty towards me. If I hadn’t thought about this mechanism, I could have been nasty back. Now I try instead to think: Poor person. That can’t be much fun either.

Imagine the old classmate who got good grades, could sit still at school and was predicted to have a great future. Now perhaps he’s in a mind-numbingly boring job, bored and earning a fifth of what I do. Opposite him sits the one who couldn’t sit still, got bad grades and was sent outside and up to the headteacher. That’s how I illustrate the comparison that can be hard to swallow.

When I turn the situation round that way, forgiving an unpleasant or condescending manner becomes easier. Instead of snapping back, I can think about how sad the person might feel about their own situation.

Of course you can try talking to them. But I’m not sure sitting down for a chat can solve it. Often, it’s probably better simply to say "yes, yes" and "oh, right", leave it alone and talk to someone else. Then the evening doesn’t have to end in another conflict.

De bedste hilsner

Martin

Ps. Tag lige et kig på Amino Freelancer, den er faktisk blevet meget fed :-)